*WARNING*
Long post ahead
Tuesday: Maher and I spent 2 glorious hours at Ichiban Sushi, we ate and watched the guy win his first million on Jeopardy, then ate a little more, since it was all sushi, I practically had an orgasm after every bite (thank you Unagi), and it was damn good. About 6 hours later I was getting ready to go to a birthday party for Chris Pena out at Tommy's. When Shayan calls me and trys to play Joe Cool by acting like he isn't at the party, and he doesn't know about it. Nice try you crazy Persian bastard, I had already been told by people you were there, and I had already known about it 3 days in advance. You forget I go to nearly every party they throw. Then Maher called and told me that the party was out of alcohol, so I brought my rather large stash. After about 20 minutes at the party, all the alcohol I had hidden in the back room suddenly disappeared after many of the JHS students who showed up to the party left. After a small search party combed the house, I got a report that a fatass motherfucker named Alex Johnson had stolen the alcohol I brought. In fact, someone had stopped him at the door and asked him why he was taking it from the party, he had said it was his, the catch was he hadn't brought any. So this with an incredibly generic name is running around with my booze, consisting of 1 bottle of Captain Morgan's, 1 bottle of Absolut vodka, and 1 bottle of Baccardi 151 (aka expensive shit that gets you fucked up fast). So began the shitty days ahead.
Wednesday: I woke up bright and early at 11:30 to go to the orthodontist (the same one who has a street named after him near where I live). I got there sat in the chair and watched "I Love the 90's: 1992", whilst they put the bottom braces on my lips in their second effort to kill me in a benign manner by having the braces cut my lips until i bleed to death. Then suddenly between clips of MC Hammer and Ross Perot it hit me, all the pieces began to fall into place. Why else would they name a road after an orthodontist that does nothing but lead to a Cracker Barrel (they sell t-shirts) and a strip mall that contained nothing but clothing stores, the orthodontists were controlled by the fashion mafia. There are only two pieces of evidence that I need (and have) to expose the truth...
1) Braces make people look ugly, so then they go out and buy everything they can to make themselves look beautiful, and to hide the fact they have 3 pounds of metal glued to their pearly whites.
2) The 3-5 days after receiving braces it makes it impossible to eat anything more solid than high quality H2O due to the fact that your mouth is to cut up and your teeth to sure chew anything. Thus people notice that they lose from 5-10 pounds during those days, sparking an anorexic craze in people so that they can fit into the latest rage in clothing, which they only make in size XXS.
It is simply another ploy by the fashion (and anorexia) mafia to control us into buying their textiles. For more information and proof that the fashion mafia is behind everything, go here.
Nothing else interesting happened that day, I ate my last solid meal about an hour after the orthodontist and overdosed on Ibeprofun whilst at work. (It fucks with your mind man)
Thursday: I just now realized that was yesterday, and that I forgot to take out the damn trash, I am surprised my dad hasn't cut off my other testicle for not doing it yet...Well Thursday was uneventful until about 7 o'clock, when i get a call from a Saysan asking for a ride from Kelsey's house to her house, I obliged, for the right price, and went on out there to pick them up. When I got there they were like, "Hurry up, we need to get out to Shadow Lake before 9, because they close at 12", I said "Who is taking you to Shadow Lake", she said "Why you are". After that there was a long awkward pause, then I asked them how much they would pay me, needless to say, it wasn't enough. I took them to Saysan's house to get ready, then quickly went to Dioko's to give Jessica Johnson her present, and then teleported back to Saysan's to pick them up. Somehow I ended up driving 4 incredibly hot girls, in my car, around for about 30 minutes (it was already 9 by that point), until we made our way over to Nick "Fake Jew" Lawson's house, him and Keenan were going too. Finally at about 10:30 we got on the road, and somehow it ended up that Maher was following us there. After the 45 minute drive to Noel, we got out of the car, and then Kelsey proceeded to lock my keys in the back seat. So we went in and started partying anyways, I was incredibly preoccupied with the thought of how to get my keys out of my damn car to dance at all, it was a shame, because i could have chosen nearly any of the ugly slutty girls showing off their not to impressive bodies there. After 45 minutes they kicked everyone the hell out of there and we were all stuck on the street, until some girl overdosed on ecstasy and began to stop breathing and start thrashing out and overheating. Then we had 13 separate cop cars show up, 2 fire trucks, and 3 ambulances, needless to say, everyone scrambled to get the hell out of Noel, while me and my little party were stuck outside my car trying to break in. After two hours and having all the incredibly huge and strong security guys try to use a clothes hanger to open it up, and nearly opting for the "break the motherfucking window" plan a few times, we finally were able to hook my keys and pry my door open enough to pull them out. By this time it was 2 am and the girls talked me into driving 80 mph on the way home. We got back to Ashley and Andrea Burgee's house, and dropped them off, I stopped inside for a minute to get a drink of water. By the time I got back outside the first thing I noticed was that my lights were on, I called myself a dumbass and proceeded to get inside and start the car. The first thing I noticed was that my keys weren't in the ignition and something under the hood was running, at this point I yelled "POLTERGEIST" and started running myself, after I had been coaxed back to my car, I got inside and noticed something that was fucked up. The light switch was off, and the right turn signal indicator was perpetually on, not blinking or bling blinging, but just a solid on. At about this point I said to myself, "what the hell is going on", then I noticed the cell phone charger plugged into the broken cigarette lighter and I knew at that point my car was incredibly fucked. I started my car, and it sounded like it was going to just roll over and die like Marlon Brando. I ended up driving Saysan and Kelsey over to Damien's house, and then sat there and tried to think out my dilemma, my headlights were perpetually on, as was my right turn signal/parking light, something had fried my entire wiring inside my car, which would've been the cell phone charger plugged into the cigarette lighter, because Mazda's are basically one big computer, it is all wires. My engine was on its last dying gasps because I had driven 80 mph for 35 miles, which my car can not handle, since it is packing about as much power as a push lawnmower underneath the hood. I limped my car home and unplugged the battery, hoping that the repairs wouldn't cost anything more than me giving road head to the mechanic, because I currently don't have the money to pay for the repairs. Oh yeah, the AC broke too.
Friday: I slept in till 3, and tried to kill myself by suffocating me with a pillow, if it worked in "One Flew Over the Coo-Coo's Nest" then it should work with me, the problem was i only had my scrawny ass arms, and not a 350 pound indian on top of me, so needless to say it didn't work. At 5 I went to work and dredged through the rest of the day until now. My car is sitting out in front of my house with the battery unplugged since that is the only thing which will keep the headlights off, and it doesn't like to run like it did, when it is standing still it seems to cough like a lifetime chain smoker, and shake like Muhammad Ali. So I desperately need donations for the repairs...
Latest News: One good thing that happened the past few days was I made out with two chicks at the same time. Cue Office Space, "If you had a million dollars what would you do?" "Two chicks at the same time"...Woo hoo, I was halfway there with 13 dollars!!
RARG I'VE GOT AIDS, BEASTMAN AIDS!!!
Sorry, i have that CKY song Skelator Vs. Beastman stuck in my head...
Want to learn about everything about drugs in America?
I want to move to Norway, and I don't fucking know why...
I trust guys with longer hair than shorter hair, my reason being, every single crooked business executive has short hair, Alex Johnson had short hair, Jesus *supposedly* had long hair (even though I consider myself agnostic, I trust the true message he taught even though no one truly follows it, and if he did, i trust him), guys with longer hair are more generally stoners than guys with short hair, you can trust stoners to be stoners, stoners are generally to stoned to even attempt to screw you over, mullets, and last but not least most football players have short hair, whilst many soccer players wear their hair long!!
That was fucked up...
Mcdonald County bans nude canoeing.
For the nude canoeing association webpage click here
Currently Listening to: Better Than Ezra - Good
Currently eating: Nothing, my mouth still fucking hurts
Currently smelling: Old Spice mixed with the oily remains of what got on my face at Casa Montez, nasty...
Currently reading: Filthy's review of Anchorman
Currently worshipping: Yes its sad, Gabe, you taught me the html I needed to add links, making this website much more enjoyable.
Current Number of Stalkers: 3
George W. Bush, you and your little dog Rumsfeld are fucking morons, seeing how you are an alcoholic, I am surprised you haven't tried to drink him yet, since his name starts with RUM...
Peace, Suicide, Sprint
Tuesday: Maher and I spent 2 glorious hours at Ichiban Sushi, we ate and watched the guy win his first million on Jeopardy, then ate a little more, since it was all sushi, I practically had an orgasm after every bite (thank you Unagi), and it was damn good. About 6 hours later I was getting ready to go to a birthday party for Chris Pena out at Tommy's. When Shayan calls me and trys to play Joe Cool by acting like he isn't at the party, and he doesn't know about it. Nice try you crazy Persian bastard, I had already been told by people you were there, and I had already known about it 3 days in advance. You forget I go to nearly every party they throw. Then Maher called and told me that the party was out of alcohol, so I brought my rather large stash. After about 20 minutes at the party, all the alcohol I had hidden in the back room suddenly disappeared after many of the JHS students who showed up to the party left. After a small search party combed the house, I got a report that a fatass motherfucker named Alex Johnson had stolen the alcohol I brought. In fact, someone had stopped him at the door and asked him why he was taking it from the party, he had said it was his, the catch was he hadn't brought any. So this with an incredibly generic name is running around with my booze, consisting of 1 bottle of Captain Morgan's, 1 bottle of Absolut vodka, and 1 bottle of Baccardi 151 (aka expensive shit that gets you fucked up fast). So began the shitty days ahead.
Wednesday: I woke up bright and early at 11:30 to go to the orthodontist (the same one who has a street named after him near where I live). I got there sat in the chair and watched "I Love the 90's: 1992", whilst they put the bottom braces on my lips in their second effort to kill me in a benign manner by having the braces cut my lips until i bleed to death. Then suddenly between clips of MC Hammer and Ross Perot it hit me, all the pieces began to fall into place. Why else would they name a road after an orthodontist that does nothing but lead to a Cracker Barrel (they sell t-shirts) and a strip mall that contained nothing but clothing stores, the orthodontists were controlled by the fashion mafia. There are only two pieces of evidence that I need (and have) to expose the truth...
1) Braces make people look ugly, so then they go out and buy everything they can to make themselves look beautiful, and to hide the fact they have 3 pounds of metal glued to their pearly whites.
2) The 3-5 days after receiving braces it makes it impossible to eat anything more solid than high quality H2O due to the fact that your mouth is to cut up and your teeth to sure chew anything. Thus people notice that they lose from 5-10 pounds during those days, sparking an anorexic craze in people so that they can fit into the latest rage in clothing, which they only make in size XXS.
It is simply another ploy by the fashion (and anorexia) mafia to control us into buying their textiles. For more information and proof that the fashion mafia is behind everything, go here.
Nothing else interesting happened that day, I ate my last solid meal about an hour after the orthodontist and overdosed on Ibeprofun whilst at work. (It fucks with your mind man)
Thursday: I just now realized that was yesterday, and that I forgot to take out the damn trash, I am surprised my dad hasn't cut off my other testicle for not doing it yet...Well Thursday was uneventful until about 7 o'clock, when i get a call from a Saysan asking for a ride from Kelsey's house to her house, I obliged, for the right price, and went on out there to pick them up. When I got there they were like, "Hurry up, we need to get out to Shadow Lake before 9, because they close at 12", I said "Who is taking you to Shadow Lake", she said "Why you are". After that there was a long awkward pause, then I asked them how much they would pay me, needless to say, it wasn't enough. I took them to Saysan's house to get ready, then quickly went to Dioko's to give Jessica Johnson her present, and then teleported back to Saysan's to pick them up. Somehow I ended up driving 4 incredibly hot girls, in my car, around for about 30 minutes (it was already 9 by that point), until we made our way over to Nick "Fake Jew" Lawson's house, him and Keenan were going too. Finally at about 10:30 we got on the road, and somehow it ended up that Maher was following us there. After the 45 minute drive to Noel, we got out of the car, and then Kelsey proceeded to lock my keys in the back seat. So we went in and started partying anyways, I was incredibly preoccupied with the thought of how to get my keys out of my damn car to dance at all, it was a shame, because i could have chosen nearly any of the ugly slutty girls showing off their not to impressive bodies there. After 45 minutes they kicked everyone the hell out of there and we were all stuck on the street, until some girl overdosed on ecstasy and began to stop breathing and start thrashing out and overheating. Then we had 13 separate cop cars show up, 2 fire trucks, and 3 ambulances, needless to say, everyone scrambled to get the hell out of Noel, while me and my little party were stuck outside my car trying to break in. After two hours and having all the incredibly huge and strong security guys try to use a clothes hanger to open it up, and nearly opting for the "break the motherfucking window" plan a few times, we finally were able to hook my keys and pry my door open enough to pull them out. By this time it was 2 am and the girls talked me into driving 80 mph on the way home. We got back to Ashley and Andrea Burgee's house, and dropped them off, I stopped inside for a minute to get a drink of water. By the time I got back outside the first thing I noticed was that my lights were on, I called myself a dumbass and proceeded to get inside and start the car. The first thing I noticed was that my keys weren't in the ignition and something under the hood was running, at this point I yelled "POLTERGEIST" and started running myself, after I had been coaxed back to my car, I got inside and noticed something that was fucked up. The light switch was off, and the right turn signal indicator was perpetually on, not blinking or bling blinging, but just a solid on. At about this point I said to myself, "what the hell is going on", then I noticed the cell phone charger plugged into the broken cigarette lighter and I knew at that point my car was incredibly fucked. I started my car, and it sounded like it was going to just roll over and die like Marlon Brando. I ended up driving Saysan and Kelsey over to Damien's house, and then sat there and tried to think out my dilemma, my headlights were perpetually on, as was my right turn signal/parking light, something had fried my entire wiring inside my car, which would've been the cell phone charger plugged into the cigarette lighter, because Mazda's are basically one big computer, it is all wires. My engine was on its last dying gasps because I had driven 80 mph for 35 miles, which my car can not handle, since it is packing about as much power as a push lawnmower underneath the hood. I limped my car home and unplugged the battery, hoping that the repairs wouldn't cost anything more than me giving road head to the mechanic, because I currently don't have the money to pay for the repairs. Oh yeah, the AC broke too.
Friday: I slept in till 3, and tried to kill myself by suffocating me with a pillow, if it worked in "One Flew Over the Coo-Coo's Nest" then it should work with me, the problem was i only had my scrawny ass arms, and not a 350 pound indian on top of me, so needless to say it didn't work. At 5 I went to work and dredged through the rest of the day until now. My car is sitting out in front of my house with the battery unplugged since that is the only thing which will keep the headlights off, and it doesn't like to run like it did, when it is standing still it seems to cough like a lifetime chain smoker, and shake like Muhammad Ali. So I desperately need donations for the repairs...
Latest News: One good thing that happened the past few days was I made out with two chicks at the same time. Cue Office Space, "If you had a million dollars what would you do?" "Two chicks at the same time"...Woo hoo, I was halfway there with 13 dollars!!
RARG I'VE GOT AIDS, BEASTMAN AIDS!!!
Sorry, i have that CKY song Skelator Vs. Beastman stuck in my head...
Want to learn about everything about drugs in America?
I want to move to Norway, and I don't fucking know why...
I trust guys with longer hair than shorter hair, my reason being, every single crooked business executive has short hair, Alex Johnson had short hair, Jesus *supposedly* had long hair (even though I consider myself agnostic, I trust the true message he taught even though no one truly follows it, and if he did, i trust him), guys with longer hair are more generally stoners than guys with short hair, you can trust stoners to be stoners, stoners are generally to stoned to even attempt to screw you over, mullets, and last but not least most football players have short hair, whilst many soccer players wear their hair long!!
That was fucked up...
I am so fucking cursed when it comes to air conditioning, first my house AC, now my car AC, who wants to bet when we get back to school, because of my karma the AC will be fucked up.
Mcdonald County bans nude canoeing.
For the nude canoeing association webpage click here
Currently Listening to: Better Than Ezra - Good
Currently eating: Nothing, my mouth still fucking hurts
Currently smelling: Old Spice mixed with the oily remains of what got on my face at Casa Montez, nasty...
Currently reading: Filthy's review of Anchorman
Currently worshipping: Yes its sad, Gabe, you taught me the html I needed to add links, making this website much more enjoyable.
Current Number of Stalkers: 3
George W. Bush, you and your little dog Rumsfeld are fucking morons, seeing how you are an alcoholic, I am surprised you haven't tried to drink him yet, since his name starts with RUM...
Peace, Suicide, Sprint
5 comments:
I now have a picture or me leing you. Defense
guy??? Do I look like a guy to you?
Well, I dont see a picture there Defense, how is he to know?
Josh S. - that sucks sprint, no nude in mcdonald county, and um ya braces suck bottom teeth, i got a new wire 2 days ago, i have to eat jello or pudding
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