Alright, big day

Today has been quite eventful I am proud to say, not much has happened, but what has happened has been fun, funny, important, and incredibly painful. It started out with a very easy session of morning weights which made me happy, then I did my patented "gellin" method around the house until about 5. It was about then I decided to get my lazy ass out of the house, and into the great unknown that is Joplin. The reason it is unknown is because you never know what kind of sick, twisted, perverted, redneck thing you are going to run into next, a good example would be my dad wearing the heavily tattered cutoff jean shorts that almost went to his thighs, while watching me play soccer. That is the kind of thing you run into in Joplin, that experience was nearly as scarring as the time he chased me and my friends around the pool naked, but that is an entirely different story.

On to what happened today: I went to Schlotzkeys deli and got myself a very sexy pastrami on rye sandwich, god damn it was good, I need to go back and get more of that shiz nit. After enjoying that tasty meal, I headed across the street to my favorite store in town, Hastings. If they sold underwear at Hastings, I would never have to go to another store again, they have everything I need, music, movies, magazines of all types, shirts, candy, porn, hot chicks wandering around, guitars (shitty ones), and books (but who needs those). So after bowing in worship at the front door, I walked into the hallowed halls, picked up what I was looking for, which just happened to be the Beastie Boys new CD, The 5 Burroughs. Paid for it in all ones, and was able to con the lady behind the desk into believing I was 17, then happily skipped out to my car to be ready for Mix Masta Mike's phat beats. And the beats were fucking phat, in fact, if you ever have liked the Beastie Boys in the past, or liked Eminem, or liked Vanilla Ice, or liked any white rapper, hate bush, or even liked Sonny and Cher, then you need to get this CD. It is incredible, as the first low frequency tones were slowly murdered by my shitty ass speakers, I knew that I had sunk my jaws into an incredible album. If you buy one new CD that came out this month, make it that one, it is epic. (with a strong anti-bush message)
After that I gathered my things and headed on out to the soccer fields for what I hoped would be a good game. Well, it started off with my cleats completely coming apart, and me having to wear Daniel's Vapors, those hurt, but nothing compared to what hurt would come, and then that was coupled with the fact that I suck at soccer, bad. But dutifully fulfilling my name with about 30 seconds remaining in the game, I had the ball, was running, made a bad touch, kicked it to far in front, the defender boots it out with all his power, he boots it right into my fucking BIT AND TACKLE...If you ever want to know the true meaning of pain, get kicked with a soccer ball, rising underneath your nuts at probably about 40 miles per hour, it consequently knocked me off of my feet, and onto the ground. I wish I had passed out from the pain right then, but I didn't, instead of having it go to my stomach, that fucking pain went right into my head, I had the worst migrane ever, and then the pain just seemed to spread to all parts of my body, especially in my stomach and my nut sack. I lay there facedown on the ground, in to much pain to move, moaning and drooling, and saying things in a language which I had never heard. Abruptly the game stopped, and everyone started to point and laugh, but I didn't care, I was in way to much pain, by this time I was curled in a little ball, still facedown, and unable to move. What happened for the next 10 minutes seems incredibly foggy, and I don't think i retained conciseness the whole time, but I remember people making jokes about it, I remember Timmy kicking me really hard while I was on the ground, I remember Chris stealing the shoes I was wearing (damn Mexican), I remember people tapping me and saying "way to take it like a man". Yes, I was taking it like a man, whimpering, drooling, and crying while lying face first in the middle of a soccer field. After those 10 minutes were up, I remembered where I was, and was able to somehow get up, gather my things, and take the next 20 minutes to slowly limp to my car, which was consequently parked in the furthest location there was. I lost one of my socks along the way, but I didn't care, Eric walked by and told me that there was going to be this bitchen party later on, I told him I would go if my testicles were feeling up to the challenge of not hurting. Just writing all of what happened down is causing the testicles to throb in pain as they were before, but I have also, for your viewing pleasure, compiled a list of what I cant/wont do.
What I can't/won't do after this incident: 1) Get an erection
2) Have sex
3) Have kids (goes with 2)
4) Not wear a cup (it is always gonna be on now)
5) Play soccer
6) Play any sport with a ball that is heavier than a beach ball
7) Speak in a low voice/sing bass (I'm, going to be 12 forever now :( )
8) Look at porn again (will hurt emotionally)
9) Make fun of people who get hit in the pills
10) Hit anyone in the pills
11) Be happy
Basically that one incident has changed my life forever, my parents can forget about having grandkids from me, the Wynhausen family line will have one less male heir of a reproducing age, and I will be a grade A pussy when it comes to my nuts. Will, I finally understand your pain, up until the getting the shot to deflate the penis, I didn't need that thankfully. So go ahead, make fun of my bruised nuts, (yes, they have changed to a bruised color) but just remember that when it happens to you, that I warned you about the non-usage of cups in everyday situations.
After somehow getting home, and lying in the shower for awhile, the grogginess went away, and Maher and Shayan came over, jacked around a bit, got on my MSN account and said shit to people, bastards, then Eman came over and chilled with his girl for a bit. They all decided to leave at some point or another, and I decided my nuts weren't throbbing as much as they were, so I would go get some Taco Bell, and check out this party. The party turned out to be great, thrown by the very beautiful Kristy, it was a McAuly party and was just a blast, I was one of about 5 JHS kids there, so it turned out great, my reputation hadn't preceded me, and I was able to actually talk to people without them running away screaming for cover. Needless to say, I didn't have a drop of alcohol, I decided to remain sober because I needed to wake up at 8, and then work later in the day, and I remembered what happened last time I got drunk on a day before I was supposed to work, so for being entirely sober, I had a great time just talking to people, and making new friends, plus I got an invite to any other parties that any of these people knew about. (Did I mention that McAuly girls are inherently hot? screw public school, being Catholic must work out for the looks, even if you go out drinking and partying each weekend, just shows how much god cares about that sin stuff...i mean come on I like this message - "worship me, ill make you hot, do whatever, but stay hot so that I can look at you in the shower") Holy shit, that is going to piss people off, but I don't really care, I would rather piss people off with my posts than kiss ass. So after staying at the party, and being one of the last people there, just talking, I said goodbye to those very few who remained and headed on home. So today on a scale of 1-10 was about a 1....but it would be a 10 if I had scored the goal I missed and not gotten kicked in the nuts.

Latest News: I suck ass at any sports related activity, why do I continue trying?

I'm broke, donations are accepted at any time, just send me an email, I'll give you my address, and you can write a check. I cant keep this goodness going on this website without money, even if it is a free website.

Current testicle watch: Still brown and a little purple, hurts to sit, hurts to move, hurts to think....the throbbing never stops, and they are quite swollen.

Got a lot of new connections, it seems that being outgoing works, who would've known?

Currently listening to: Frank Zappa - Why Does It Hurt When I Pee (it seems a bit appropriate for what happened today, although it hurts when I pee because my penis and testicles were hit incredibly hard, not because I got it from the toilet seat, and it jumped right up and grabbed my meat.)

Currently eating: Salted pumpkin seeds, those things are addicting.

Currently reading: Kasey's Jail Journal (its trippy)

I realize that in my last post I forgot my George Bush is a fucking moron. Well he still is, but I want to add to this today...George Bush is a fucking moron, and I am a fucking moron for giving that damned ball an open shot to my nuts.

Peace, Pain, Sprint